@ 2014-11-25 – 21:59:02
@ 2014-11-25 – 08:25:53
Police in Peterborough today pulled over a Pakistani and were amazed to find that the car was taxed, tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no bombs or weapons found.
The car wasn't an illegal taxi and the driver was sober.
He had a full license and no points.
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
@ 2014-11-21 – 21:01:17
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another
man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. ‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.
‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.
‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.
‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.
‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.
‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.
She whispers in his ear ‘That’s me before the surgery.’
@ 2014-11-19 – 09:49:35
“And two great dragons did arise, Huowanglong, a dragon of fire, and Shuiwanglong, a dragon of water, and they brought their anger down upon the land, one upon the east, and one upon the west” Anon.
@ 2014-11-19 – 03:22:58
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
@ 2014-11-11 – 06:53:22
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards ..
The little boy said "why do you wear your collar backwards?" .
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . ."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered,"I am the Father of many" .
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
@ 2014-11-10 – 06:50:39
Actual Lines from Resume
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis